Don't Mind Me, I Just Had a Miscarriage.

It is interesting how the most emotionally mature and kind people can become so out of touch or uncomfortable when it comes to infertility or miscarriages. Yes, I said it "miscarriage" the dreaded word that nobody wants to say.

For me, I just had my 3rd miscarriage and it royally sucks. I can talk about it freely but I try to gauge the comfort of other people first before discussing it. The problem with having miscarriages is that people think it is contagious or that you will jinx their pregnancy if you are around them. ugh. Obviously, if you will miscarry, you will regardless of who you are around. You might be around someone that is currently pregnant or miscarrying as you speak to them and don't know it which means you may have to be "afraid" of everyone all the time. You are smarter than that, c'mon.

So recently, I was with 2 of my close friends at dinner. My friend "L" apparently had told my other friend "O" and the whole world, including my mom, that her daughter is pregnant. I had to found out from a "slip of the tongue" at dinner. It was awkward to say the least. Luckily, I didn't break down crying this time. I just had a ball in my throat and put on a smile to disguise my pain inside while expressing my happiness for her daughter.

I have to assume she had the best intentions, that she thought "Oh I don't want to make her [me] sad or uncomfortable" or something like that. Honestly, I don't even think she knows about my most recent miscarriage.

The evening following the awkward slip, we all ate dinner at Cougar F's house. We all had a great time. Soon after I arrived, L's daughter let me know she was pregnant. This is how the conversation went:

Me: J, are you running a marathon or something? I saw your status updates on facebook about your progress.
J: I was but I stopped because I'm pregnant.
Me: Oh, Congrats!!!
L: You knew, right?
Me: Yeah.
....Awkward.

I later found out that literally EVERYONE knew but me. This is definitely NOT the best way to tell your friend that is struggling with infertility that your daughter or you are pregnant. I would have appreciated her telling me over the phone (even a text) so that I could process the information on my own first before seeing anyone. It would have been nice to get a heads up. A post on recommended ways to tell your infertile friend you are expecting is coming soon. In the meantime, check out

If you ever wonder why people keep infertility a secret, read this post again. Fears of being left out, ignored, cursed and or being pitied is why many of us just keep this huge part of our lives to ourselves.

Where Do I Start?

I am the kind of person who likes to start things at a logical starting point (just as the 1st of the month, the new year or the beginning of a new phase). I am sitting here attempting to think of when my fertility or infertility journey started. Do I start from the day I got my period? The first time I had sex? The first time I thought I was pregnant? The first time I began to take birth control pills? The first time I intentionally wanted to get pregnant? Well, to be honest, I still don't know.

In this blog, I will take you through my fertility or infertility (TTC) journey from these various points in time. I will take you to each beginning and hopefully it will all come together at some point for you (and I). 

In my attempt to explain events, terms and the other stuff, I may need to cuss or use terms that you may find offensive. I apologize in advance for offending you however I do not apologize for the language or the content I will use. It is important for me to keep this blog meaningful and authentic, just as I work on being in my personal life and throughout this journey. This in fact, is how infertility is. Infertility is vulnerable, intrusive, impolite, shameful, sad, exciting, secretive, raw and crazy. There are times when things don't make sense and times when we cuss out of happiness, sadness, anger and excitement or all of the above.

If you are reading this, you yourself are either experiencing infertility directly or indirectly. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you are on the infertility path and undergoing treatments, I wish you the best and hope I can provide you with empowering and useful information here. If you are supporting someone (friend, doctor, boss, coworker, sister, brother, mother, cousin, etc), I thank you for doing research for your loved one. It is amazing how we can spend hours looking up prices for new floors or cars but we don't bother to look up information on medical/emotional conditions our loved ones are experiencing in order to support them. I am guilty of this as well. So the fact that you are here is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! You are one of the few people that really care to understand and will have the necessary tools to help your loved one(s) on this journey.

Bye Bye 2011, whew.

I have no words to express how happy I am to meet 2012.

This past year has been so challenging and rewarding at the same time. To sum up 2011, my stepson moved in with us full time, my husband and I have paid off a lot of debt, our marriage has been super challenging, I have undergone 100s of blood tests, have visited the ER several times, took many many pregnancy tests, have injected myself in the stomach, have been injected in the behind by my husband, got straight As in graduate school, lost and gained weight, had 2 miscarriages, have welcomed new babies into this world and have created a wonderful support system online and maintained my fantastic support system I already had.

I look forward to new good beginnings in 2012. I have a few goals for this New Year:

1. Shed 1 pound per month
2. Buy a property
3. Get pregnant and have a healthy, happy baby, delivery and lifetime with the baby
4. Go to therapy (and/or infertility support group)
5. Pass Comprehensive Exams and start on my dissertation

I would also like to make new friends in my area, get a hobby of some sort and create more balance and peace of mind in my life. I have always loved volunteering so that may be something I would do too. Maintaining this blog would be cool too.

Sooo ready to say bye bye 2011!